<div><img src="/EditBackyard/EditorData/Photo/2015/Mar/314201514-1b.jpg" width="600" height="351" alt="" /> </div><div> </div><div><span style="color: #3e3e3e; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f8f7f5;">父亲对我的家教，就是这样在“正能量”与“负能量”之间徘徊，</span><wbr style="color: #3e3e3e; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f8f7f5;"><span style="color: #3e3e3e; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f8f7f5;">这也是我自己做了父亲之后的纠结。已经看到的真相与思想，</span><wbr style="color: #3e3e3e; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f8f7f5;"><span style="color: #3e3e3e; font-size: 16px; white-space: pre-wrap; background-color: #f8f7f5;">即使说，什么时候对孩子说，说到什么程度？</span><br /> </div><div> </div><div><blockquote style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; max-width: 100%; border-left-width: 5px; border-left-style: solid; border-left-color: #963135; color: #3e3e3e; font-weight: 700; font-size: 20px; font-family: \’Microsoft YaHei\’; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><ol style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 0px 0px 30px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><li style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><p style="padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 18px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">“枪声一响，爷娘白养”</span></p></li></ol></blockquote><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我出生于1952年上海一个工人家庭，母亲没文化，父亲喜文墨，<wbr>会几笔书画。后来才知道，他小学四年级即辍学，是靠自学成才，<wbr>炼成一手字画，脱产担任工会宣传委员。从五十年代初到文革结束，<wbr>父亲工资没涨过，大饥荒时响应号召，自己降了一级，<wbr>从80减到75元，那时母亲也上班，孩子少，日子还过得去。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">星期天早上，父亲躺在床上翻《解放日报》中缝，那里有小孩看的“<wbr>早早场”影讯，见有中意的，即让我带妹妹去看。如无中意，<wbr>也会掏出零钱，嘱我带妹妹去街上把小皮鞋擦一擦。<wbr>记得那时我和妹妹各有一双小皮鞋，棕色的，高帮，咯噔咯噔走，<wbr>很神气。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">父亲有一辆自行车，有时带我们去街上吃早点，我坐前面车杠，<wbr>妹妹坐后面书包架，他就那么推着走，一男一女，<wbr>大概他也觉得很得意。那时物价多以“分”计，早早场电影“五分”<wbr>，小孩擦皮鞋“五分”，阳春面“八分”，小馄饨稍贵，“一角”。<wbr>出门坐三轮车，也不过两、三角钱的样子，<wbr>苏州河那几座桥在我眼里比今天高大峻陡，工人蹬着很吃力，<wbr>父亲下来帮着推，我就从妈妈膝盖爬到父亲的空位上，<wbr>返身扒着车背看他推，小眼瞪大眼。</p><div><img src="/EditBackyard/EditorData/Photo/2015/Mar/314201514-2b.jpg" width="600" height="351" alt="" /> </div><div><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">（苏州河上外白渡桥）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">孩子眼里看到的社会只有很小的一半，另有一大半父亲是掩在身后，<wbr>不说。成年后听母亲有一搭没一搭地说，才知道在他们的记忆里，<wbr>那一半有忧虑，有害怕，还有惊惧。1950年她刚从乡下嫁过来，<wbr>还未完全融入城市，街上不时传来警车抓人的声音，一听那声音，<wbr>小孩就喊“强盗车来啦”，疯跑到外面去看，她一听见就害怕。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">有一次我爷爷对她说，“你也要个思想准备啊，下次就轮到老大啦（<wbr>指我父亲）”，她不明就里，吓得哆嗦，楼梯都下不来。现在知道，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><wbr>那是“镇反”大逮捕在城市中营造的恐怖气氛，以致人人自危</strong>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">毛泽东答复华东局请示报告曾厉言批示，南京、<wbr>上海这样的城市杀人太少，要多杀！（注1）<wbr>我居然是在这样的时代诞生于一个“<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">多杀</strong>”的城市？<wbr>后来读霍布斯生平，说他诞生于1588年西班牙无敌舰队来袭，<wbr>满城惊恐，他母亲因惊惧而早产,方有所悟。<wbr>霍布斯成年后为何那样写作，为何将新型国家命名为《利维坦》，<wbr>这和他童年记忆、甚至胎中记忆有关。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注1：参见尹曙生：“毛泽东与第三次全国公安会议”，《<wbr>炎黄春秋》2014年第五期。</span></strong></span><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">什么是潜意识？本人尚未形成记忆时被写进的心理基因，也称“<wbr>胎教”。他本人不自觉，<wbr>但此后的写作基本上是早期记忆的注解与释放，无可救药。<wbr>我后来总结50年代是“刽子手与诗人共同统治的年代”，<wbr>也理解王蒙的“青春万岁”，每个人都有他自己的记忆。<wbr>但实在厌恶那样的煽情诗句——“所有的，所有的日子都来吧！”<wbr>所有的日子都可以“来”，但不能以偏概全，尤其不能以“诗人”<wbr>盖住另一半。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我记事较晚，有一块铁渣渣沉淀在记忆底部，似乎是个标记。<wbr>那是1958年大炼钢铁，街上有各种小高炉扔弃的铁渣块，<wbr>我不知从哪儿捡来一块，不与父亲说，就蹲在一个犄角旮旯，<wbr>闷着头将那东西翻过来掉过去地看，怎么也看不明白。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那东西奇形怪状，有点像父亲喜好的假山石——“瘦、漏、透、皱”<wbr>，却又铁冷生硬，不符合儿童视野里能见到的天然物品，<wbr>也许因为后一点，我蹲在那儿盯着那东西看，琢磨很久，<wbr>最终还是放弃。孩提时候的玩具都忘记了，这块不是玩具的“玩具”<wbr>却印象深刻，这大概就是我好钻牛角尖的开始。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那时城里也办过街道人民公社，还办街道食堂。<wbr>大食堂不知为什么解散，各人回各家，苦日子就开始了。<wbr>大城市还不至于饿死人，但口粮锐减，搭配红薯、麸皮面，<wbr>南方人叫山芋、黑面粉。现在时兴的麸皮面疙瘩、红薯，<wbr>小时候都吃过，而且是吃得害怕，留下心理障碍，<wbr>现在再怎么宣传也绝口不碰。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那时中小学还流行培养小球藻，就放在厕所尿槽里，<wbr>现在知道这也是用来填饥的东西，那时不知道这玩意有什么意思，<wbr>小男孩一下课就盯着那一排桶尿，还比赛谁尿的准，正中校方下怀。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">家里的填饥物则是豆腐渣，搭配胡萝卜，奶奶不知从哪儿搞来，<wbr>就放在饭锅头上蒸，隔三岔五地蒸，一股药腥味，难以下咽。<wbr>那也是吃伤的东西，现在都成了健康食品。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">如今孩子不可能对社区粮店有印象，那时我们放学走过弄堂口粮店，<wbr>都会张望一下，店里有块小黑板，上面写着米、面、薯配给比例，<wbr>常有变动，小黑板连接着每家每户的锅与碗。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">有一个日子至关紧要，真像刀刻一样，现在想忘也忘不掉，<wbr>即每个月的26号：从这一天起居民可以买下一个月的粮，<wbr>提前四天。奶奶好像连一天都等不起，没到这一天，<wbr>就念叨还有几天，26号一到，立刻让我跟着去粮店，<wbr>把下个月的粮买回来，似乎真到了“家无隔夜粮”的地步？<wbr>卡车来粮店卸粮，麻包扛完后，车底板总还留一些残屑，<wbr>男孩们就站在卡车旁边等，一看货卸完，立刻跳上去哄抢，<wbr>打成一团。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">此外还有两个细节，可以贡献给今天的文学家？<wbr>过年时去父亲单位看他们演现代戏叫《一支枪》，<wbr>不外乎老乡掩护新四军，军民鱼水情，<wbr>演到那个女主角偷偷煮烧饼喂伤员，一边搅调羹一边唱，<wbr>孩子们就像听到口令，刷一下全体起立，伸长脖子，<wbr>盯着台上那只碗看。回来路上还要争，那碗里是真烧饼还是假烧饼？<wbr>最后达成“共识”（其实是渴望），一致认为那是真的，<wbr>于是就产生今日网语所谓：“羡慕、嫉妒、恨”，一起流口水。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">邻居家有七个孩子，晚饭后抢着洗碗，尤其要争着洗那口粥锅，<wbr>鸡吵鬼喊，声声可闻。后经大人介入“政治协商”，<wbr>规定一人洗一天，一周一轮换。那不是学雷锋，<wbr>而是抢锅底残留的那一点粥汤，曲起小食指，兜底一刮，<wbr>再那么一舔，那个美味！</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我们这一代普遍不长个，就是因为那几年饿的，营养不良。<wbr>我还算好，没耽误长个，是靠父亲、爷爷重男轻女，<wbr>从自己的口粮中一口一口省下来，有时还悄悄带我出去吃个烧饼、<wbr>面条什么的，至今我妹妹说起，还愤愤不平。<wbr>父亲那时就演那个新四军伤员，却说他在后台排练时饿晕过两次，<wbr>小腿上一按一个坑，浮肿，可见那烧饼是假的。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.2&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c1219f7f1619d3&attbid=ANGjdJ-l2bPqmQFQHngcSSm0dgIohHA0Ya6hf7_gyRuq1JvKFhO_fbeG2gBXxsugAKV5CMm2IUwAu3Ts3KxFN6XJ7vsJk1o-h3EhHWOJwIwmmQEmZ7lSC_19ejB7BZQ&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537415&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 1" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" />（50年代，上海市武宁路小学学生在校门口合影）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我虽小，但也能感受到人心浮动，社会不安，用今天话来说，即“<wbr>维稳”形势严峻。老人们总在传言哪条马路上有人被“剥猪猡”（<wbr>沪语，遭抢劫被剥光），哪条河道漂出无名浮尸，天一黑，<wbr>就不许我们出去。街上不断出现枪毙人的布告，红笔一勾，<wbr>人头落地，体育老师比较糙，如此评论：“<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">枪声一响，爷娘白养！</strong>”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我有一个从家乡失学流窜出来的同龄玩伴，他教会我一些乡下儿歌。<wbr>后来学历史，才知道那是历朝历代都会出现的“荒岁歌”，<wbr>成年人道路以目，不敢言，孺子却在城乡道路旁唱，<wbr>皇帝听见都害怕。“大跃进”之后上海地区流传的“荒岁歌”<wbr>也这样，都很反动。然童言无忌，我们或私下唱，<wbr>或在放学回来的路上扯着喉咙喊，其实是瞎叫唤。<wbr>尤其是下面第三首，跺着脚齐声喊，还要拍着屁股后面的书包“<wbr>伴奏”，很有节奏感。现在权当史料，辑录如下：<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">莫激动，激动要变长方形的马桶。（注2）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">共产党、毛主席，拆散多少好夫妻。（注3）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">谁放的臭屁，震动了大地，穿过了彼得堡，到达了意大利。（注4）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注2：宁波口音，以谐音影射，估计是从溪口蒋介石家乡传来？</span></strong></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注3：苏北口音，过于直白，只敢背着老师、家长私下唱。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></span></strong></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注4：国语，穿过了彼得堡，指“批苏反修”；到达了意大利，喻“<wbr>论陶里亚蒂同志与我们的分歧”，陶氏时任意共总书记。<wbr>这么复杂的寓意，孩子不懂，估计有长胡子的人在阴暗角落里教，<wbr>是从北京传来？只有那地方的人有政治情结，而且关注理论。<wbr>后来听说此首童谣流传极广，直至东北，到70年代，<wbr>长春的孩子还在传唱。</span></strong><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><blockquote style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; max-width: 100%; border-left-width: 5px; border-left-style: solid; border-left-color: #963135; color: #3e3e3e; font-weight: 700; font-size: 20px; font-family: \’Microsoft YaHei\’; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><p style="padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 18px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">2.“学文科不是犯罪，就是受罪”<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></span></p></blockquote><p style="padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我1960年进小学，因长子开蒙，父亲又重视教育，全家出动，<wbr>去南京路永安公司买书包、铅笔盒，我还多要了一块小黑板。<wbr>此后他不断与我讲他少年失学、又渴望上学的故事，<wbr>说有一次他从马路上捡回一片彩色字纸，上面有招募图画，<wbr>以为可以免费上学，高兴极了，爷爷告诉他，那是教堂的传单，<wbr>人家是招募义工！一下子跌入冰窟窿。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我上学不久，有一个女老师姓钱，对我很关注，老打听父亲在哪儿，<wbr>现在怎么样？回来与父亲一说，他回忆起那是他辍学前的同学，<wbr>就坐一张桌子啊，还是校董的女儿！想不到她今天来教我儿子了？<wbr>开家长会时他特意去看望了钱老师。我估计父亲那时的心情，<wbr>只恨没听到90年代才流行起来的那首校园歌曲，高晓松填词谱曲：<wbr>《同桌的你》。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">三年级前，父亲给我订《儿童时代》，三年级后订《少年文艺》，<wbr>一直到文革前家境渐窘，他停了自己的《解放日报》，<wbr>也没有给我停这份杂志。《少年文艺》我曾经拥有全套，<wbr>现在很怀念，却被弄堂里的孩子东借西借，一本都未留下，<wbr>但无形中给我形塑文科偏好，再难散去。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">从那时起，父亲开始带我去南京路“朵云轩”看字画，一笔字、<wbr>一张画反复琢磨，还要在手心临摹，一泡就是一个星期天下午。<wbr>这就苦了我，年龄小，看不懂，耗时间又长，遂起厌腻，<wbr>以致我很长时间对字画古迹、文人情趣格格不入，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">就跟吃红薯吃伤了<wbr>一样</strong>。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.6&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c1219f9a0202ac&attbid=ANGjdJ_lJ0KYjxlmZQOYpZ8xkAdiiRmdOLu_dlybvE7Afb4ywuIc2zLFyU6S1MpMEanjx9juv76yKWLsFTi94hb-qxI9Aztp8dSlYUrA7elxHUDqPOapaQI6Y354AUA&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537416&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 2" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">（《少年文艺》创刊号封面插图）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那时电影院新片公映，会提前给各单位宣传干部发两张招待票，<wbr>免费，父<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #000000; word-wrap: break-word !important;">亲即带我去。早早场电影不看了，<wbr>跳过同龄人都爱看的少年电影，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">一下子进入成年人阶段，<wbr>又造成一个反差</strong></span>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">很多同龄人看过的如《七十二家房客》《三毛学生意》，父亲不屑。<wbr>他厌恶本地滑稽戏，认其为油滑、低劣与地域偏见，<wbr>充满上海人的恶俗气，格局狭小，一如他后来厌恶赵本山；<wbr>同龄人从未听说过的那些西方译制片，如《木木》《复活》《<wbr>天堂里的笑声》，很“小众”，他却在我不适宜的年龄带我去看。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">他尤为欣赏老舍和北京人艺的《茶馆》，认为那才是舞台艺术，<wbr>大气。三十年后这家剧团来上海首演，<wbr>我咬咬牙给他买美琪大戏院前排居中最昂贵的座位，他那个高兴，<wbr>还特意在演出前与演员攀谈了一会儿。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">但他不知道我少年时的尴尬：那时与同龄玩伴聊戏聊电影，<wbr>我看过的他们闻所未闻，他们耳熟能详甚至能模仿的我都没看过，<wbr>双方都觉得怪异。这种教育带给我的面容显老，与年龄不相称，<wbr>看上去比同龄人大几岁，以致高年级同学称我为“留级生”。<span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #000000; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">因为老<wbr>得早，成年后反而不显了，于是自嘲为“水洗布，自来旧”</strong></span>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">还有两件事，对我正在形成的“世界观”也造成“负能量”。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">一是爷爷得罪本单位官僚，被克扣了两级工资，<wbr>从六十元降到四十八元，这在今天微不足道，<wbr>但在60年代初不是小数。父亲不服，给各级机构写申诉，<wbr>一直告到上海市委、华东局。但他毕竟是干部，<wbr>知道这种告状信最后还会落到被告状的官员手里，<wbr>一旦辨认出字迹定会打击报复，于是他将这些状纸修改定稿，<wbr>交由我誊抄再发出。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">这对一个小学生是苦役，往往要抄一个星期天，<wbr>我就这样记住了柯庆施的名字。那么小的年龄参与“信访”，成了“<wbr>上访户”，这对一个孩子心灵会带来多大影响？（注5）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注5：两个月前在上海见80岁朱正老先生，<wbr>问杨小凯生前多次提及他在狱中的启蒙者刘凤翔，后人后事如何？<wbr>朱正57年在长沙，恰好与刘凤翔同一报社，还一起打成右派。<wbr>朱先生说起刘凤翔逆境中再婚，牵线者是一个十岁左右小女孩。<wbr>那孩子为家中冤案上访，冒险进京，一定要见毛主席，<wbr>结果见到陈伯达，后者接过状纸并承诺：“毛主席不在家，<wbr>他回来后我一定代你转交？”那时刘凤翔也在京上访，<wbr>认识了这个小女孩，是刘凤翔帮这孩子写的状纸，进而认识她全家。<wbr>此后，是那孩子在自己母亲与刘凤翔之间牵线，竟成一段姻缘，<wbr>亦为奇事。</span></strong></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" />另一件事是父亲有个表弟，政治上积极，性格上倔强，<wbr>一巴掌能把家乡来逃难的生父（地主）呵斥回去。单位里动员职工“<wbr>除四害”，冬天也要打苍蝇，他发牢骚抵制。于是开除团籍、公职，<wbr>发配至四百里外的安徽劳改农场，也是不断申诉，父亲暗中协助。<wbr>1961年他在那里啃树皮过活，捡了一条命，<wbr>也不知用什么办法逃离劳改农场，昼伏夜出，步行四百里，<wbr>潜行至上海，入夜来敲门。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">门开处，老哥俩惊认、相认，抱头痛哭；灯光下，表叔囚首垢面，<wbr>饿得脱了形，背上还长着个大疮，那样子恰如电影《归来》<wbr>一开场陈道明扮演的逃犯，有过之无不及。他们怕惊动邻居，<wbr>用旧报纸把电灯泡裹起来，交头接耳说了一夜话，就像地下党。<wbr>那天晚上我被惊醒，躺在被子里假装睡着，他们说什么我记不住，<wbr>也未必听懂。但人间有官僚，官僚会害人，<wbr>这样的印象有如烙铁烙在一个少年人心底，再也抹不去。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.5&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c121a10f25d0dd&attbid=ANGjdJ8le-66OrfM9_EhNkh4vmsGvEWX1A4QSLikT0oXGXD0JdMD2aS3X7zWzCgBL3UVYWL7CgMWNZ8w2nn71QHrGxAqRmwxRj_ScNaFbFEw3I7HyBoe4p2BbTgqYBs&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537417&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 4" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">（《归来》中的陈道明）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">如此耳濡目染，与我在学校接受的正面教育构成强烈反差，<wbr>会造成什么后果父亲也许没有估计到，或者估计到了，估计不足。</strong>从<wbr>三年级起，这些“负能量”就开始在我心里“发酵”，屡屡犯事。<wbr>那时课外作业不重，下午有大块时间自由支配，同学们疯玩一阵，<wbr>也会去学校附近的棚户区瞎转。我指着穷苦人居住的“滚地龙”<wbr>窝棚，模仿当时党报上开出的一个长期栏目“在资本主义大墙下”，<wbr>却是反过来说：“看，这就是社会主义大墙下！”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">这就是我“恰同学少年，挥斥方遒”的开始？<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">其实是人生识字闯祸始</strong><wbr>。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那一年命题作文，我将老师定下的题目划了大叉，<wbr>大叉下又另拟反题：“评我班三好学生评选”，<wbr>以幼稚笔触极尽讽刺挖苦之能事。用今天的话来说，<wbr>这是与主旋律不合，公然犯上，应该严惩。但班主任庞老师教语文，<wbr>她对我偏爱呵护，竟給了一个“良”，没有惩处。<wbr>现在想来那是我人生最早的岔路口，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">如果庞老师能将“<wbr>动乱因素扑灭在萌芽阶段”，也许就不会有后面的事发生，<wbr>我还有药可救？</strong></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">后来年爷爷病逝，父亲悲愤难抑，做了一件很冲动的事：披麻戴孝，<wbr>将白纸挽联糊上了单位党支部书记的办公室。这在当时可谓造反，<wbr>大逆，肯定记入档案内控，成为他后半生难以升迁的政治障碍。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那一年我初小升高小，受家中气氛感染，期终大考闯了一个祸。在“<wbr>难忘的一件事”这一命题下，我没有写“好人好事”“春游”“<wbr>秋游”，而是写生活中的阴暗面——爷爷含冤去世，<wbr>全家笼罩在悲愤压抑中。写得还很长，分出“一、二、三”小章目，<wbr>煞有介事。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那时校园氛围已经很紧张，老师们下班后不能走，加班加点学“<wbr>社论”，“突出政治”，一个个面容严肃。庞老师看到我那篇“<wbr>文章”再也不敢做主，上交校长判卷。结果我又碰上好人，<wbr>那校长是民盟委员，60年代初还戴金丝眼镜穿旗袍，有点“<wbr>民国范”。她看完后居然也给了一个“良”，放我过关，没有留级。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">但庞老师想想不敢大意，也许是校长的交代，她写信给父亲，<wbr>郑重其事约他星期天去她家谈一次。那时家访很寻常，<wbr>但都是教师来学生家，反过来约家长去教师家面谈，则从未听说过。<wbr>父母穿戴整齐，像去开什么严肃会议，乘电车去市中心庞老师家。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那个下午我忐忑不安，等父母归来，准备挨训。父亲回来一言不发，<wbr>但从脸色看，他们谈得很不轻松，<wbr>估计提到了那个年月成年人之间谈虎色变的“反右”？<wbr>因为父亲把老师约谈的信交给我，那上面有句话很严峻，<wbr>难以想象是出自那样温婉的女教师之手——“<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">你的儿子长大后，<wbr>要么是个大有益于人民的人，要么是个大右派</strong>”！</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我自己一看这话，也吓坏了。那时我未必知道什么是“右派”，<wbr>但从老师非此即彼的口气猜测，后一句意味着很可怕的下场。<wbr>奇怪的是，发生这么严重的事，父亲对我并未惩罚，<wbr>估计是庞老师问了他平时的家教，他也在自责？<wbr>父亲将那封信交给我保存，我放在贴身小口袋里很多年，<wbr>直到文革大串联才丢失。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">三十年后我也做教师，从外地回上海，<wbr>费了很多周折终于找到庞老师，带着儿子去看她。那年她年逾七十，<wbr>一眼就认出我，说她从教五十年一直惦记的学生就是我，<wbr>始终放心不下。她也记得有这封信有这句话，其实前半句未必，<wbr>后半句似被她说中，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">那真是刀刻火烙，<wbr>刻烙着那一代人二十年的惊吓与惧怕</strong>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">父亲对我的家教，就是这样在“正能量”与“负能量”之间徘徊，<wbr>恐怕很纠结？这也是我自己做了父亲之后的纠结。哈姆雷特开场曰“<wbr>生存，还是毁灭，这是个问题”，那是经典。<wbr>但在中国这种灰不溜秋环境下，只能矮化为：“<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">说，还是不说，<wbr>这是个问题。</strong>”即使说，什么时候对孩子说，说到什么程度？<wbr>也同样让人为难。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我儿子上小学时，我们夫妇俩曾背着他认真讨论过这一问题，<wbr>最终决定到他上中学时开始说，循序渐进说。但在他五年级时，<wbr>官方所言“政治风波”发生，我的处境恶化，蔓延至他所在的小学。<wbr>两个穿军装的人在老师、同学注视下，把小孩从教室里叫出来盘问：<wbr>你父亲在家说了些什么？这就打乱了我们的循序渐进。<wbr>社会事件横插进来，穿上制服对一个十岁男孩喝问：“说，<wbr>还是不说，这是个问题！”我们不得不跟进，提前两年开始对他说。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">到他考大学那年，一听他执意要报文科，我又后悔，一时难以说服，<wbr>情不自禁，对他说了徐复观身为思想家、史学家，<wbr>一连阻止他四个孩子报考文科的故事。<wbr>徐复观大概也遭遇同样的难题，而且是逼急了，不得不言：“<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">在我们<wbr>这个国家这个时代，学文科不是犯罪，就是受罪！</strong>”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我引徐氏言，实在是急不择言，该说的说了，不该说的也说了，<wbr>连底线都说破了。不料初生牛犊不怕虎，他不仅不服，<wbr>还把这句话写进高考第一天第一场的作文，回来还很得意，<wbr>说今天命题作文，恰好趁手，写进了这句话！这一下把我吓坏了，<wbr>吓坏了还不能说，说了怕影响他后面还有四场考试。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">他是该死未死，侥幸脱险，可能因为那一年上海考生剧增，<wbr>判卷量太大，临时抽调了很多高校教师去。<wbr>也不知道是哪位同行看到这一卷子，甚至可能是我复旦师兄、弟，<wbr>猜到其父是落难同窗，心有戚戚焉，遂将枪口抬高一寸，<wbr>放犬子过关？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">孔子遗教甚多，宏观论政不过尔尔，我向来瞧不上。<wbr>但有一句人事微观，让我心服口服：“可与言而不言，失人，<wbr>不可言而言，失言。”那是两千五百年前的古训，先秦上古，<wbr>人与人不是密集交往，动如参商，他怎么会有如此精细的分辨率，<wbr>分辨之后又在两难之间纠结？今人赞佩此言，<wbr>多为成年人平辈交往的苦恼，如鲁迅那一“豪猪间距及其刺”<wbr>的名言。孔子当年也多半如此？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">但我以为这是个家庭教育问题，失言还是失人，<wbr>首先发生在两代人之间？</strong>网上曾讨论顾准生前对孩子教育的失误，<wbr>他是出于爱子之心，刻意隐瞒已经看到的真相与他真实的思想，<wbr>为避祸，不忍对妇雏言，以致上下两代人精神隔绝，终成悲剧。<wbr>顾准尚如此，千千万万如我之普通家庭则更感为难。<wbr>现在的情况好一些，即使为父不言，孩子们在网络上也能看到，<wbr>但问题还是存在，估计还要传代，真不知还要传多少代？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.4&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c121a190ab57ee&attbid=ANGjdJ_TQpZDtB5kiSERdlA2u0fvfUF3PNny-yfHkcjstiCt7q8s_lm3sKfEmWGThQvREoR0bC8gg2BP0vDQ288w80_2YUtzJHqqtLoHSGhv6Uhhed-tnqe6N__5RDM&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537418&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 6" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">（顾准，1915-1974，被划为右派后，<wbr>顾准的子女与他划清界限，“生不再见，死不相别”。）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我三年级入队戴红领巾，那一天父亲很高兴，把中队副、<wbr>学习委员这些“正面符号”看得很重，以后陪他出门，<wbr>都要我把红领巾、两道杠佩戴好，恨不得把队旗都给他扛上。<wbr>星期天还这么穿戴对一个女孩问题不大，对一个调皮捣蛋的男生，<wbr>心理上那股别扭，今天还记忆犹新。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">其实我少年时的“职务”就停留在这一级，一直升不上去，<wbr>因为打架犯错误，还曾撸掉一道杠，降为小队长。<wbr>有时候他心情郁闷，也会把我当倾诉对象，说些政治不正确的话，<wbr>今天看来是没什么大不了的牢骚话，但他很紧张，说完又自言自语，<wbr>又像在叮嘱我：“不能说，不能说啊，说了就是对现实不满。”<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #000000; word-wrap: break-word !important;">他都<wbr>说了，却又让我不说，纠结到什么程度？</span></strong>我那时似懂非懂，<wbr>只能闷着头琢磨什么叫“对现实不满”？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">1966年文革开始，我小学毕业，按理不能参加大串联。<wbr>父亲请邻居家一位高中生带我出门（即那位抢着刮锅底的仁兄，<wbr>待我很好），给我五元钱，说还是要出去“闯闯”，“经风雨，<wbr>见世面”，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">可见他又很正统，紧跟“正能量”</strong>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我们一路南下，到了五羊城，五元钱早就花光了，在接待站吃饭、<wbr>看病只能打借条，签我自己名，单位则写那位高中生的学校，<wbr>不能署小学名。巧就巧在第二年，我们这届小学生按照居住地分配，<wbr>正好进了这所中学，广州方面将此借条寄过来清账，还真寄到了。<wbr>父亲二话不说，认账还钱，我记得有二十几元，当时也不是小数。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.3&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c121a1a0ab8971&attbid=ANGjdJ-1mUQrpxKifPuKAJ-3t4o9SaMSskncIFUlSygjwxj-iiAJxjdOMg64ALOhSZFsymbltJlF0Dx0Gn6QbV7bYFuJVb8MrE9ruNO4X-mpJpqpfc13KU_NL2DUdYA&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537418&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 5" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">（大串联乘车证）<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" />1968年春，是我进中学第二学期，因为读野书、读闲书，<wbr>终于闯下塌天大祸。当时高中生们私下传阅香港版《金陵春梦》，<wbr>我也挤进去排队看到了，半懂不懂，<wbr>只学了书中蒋介石的宁波口头禅到处说，还到处写，今天叫“<wbr>后现代涂鸦”。一不小心佛头着粪，前面同学已经写好“<wbr>毛主席万岁”，我胳膊肘压着没看见，提笔就在上面写三个大字“<wbr>娘希匹”，扔下笔即走。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">第二天这张讲台就被抬进专案组，上面有反动标语，要破案，<wbr>公安局警车也来了。我很快去“自首”，是无意不是有意，<wbr>但还是定性为“敌情内处”（敌我矛盾，人民内部矛盾处理），<wbr>差点没逮捕。这一下塌了天，父亲大怒，再不鼓励我多看书、<wbr>读闲书，而是将我的小书箱撬开，不管正能量、负能量，<wbr>一把火烧个精光。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">水火无情，那次溺水应该把我溺死，当死未死，<wbr>是有两个人暗中同情，施以援手。一位是我班上的辅导员李敏，<wbr>她也对我有所偏爱，事发后找我谈话，勉励我不要消沉不要背包袱，<wbr>说着说着她自己也掉泪；<wbr>与此同时则去找她当时的恋人高中部正掌权的红卫兵团长，<wbr>两人私下商量，能护住就护住，不能将我推给公安局逮捕。（注6）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注6：四十年后，李敏见我追思李慎之的文章“危城别慎之”，<wbr>追忆起她也是无锡李氏家族，与慎之那一支沾亲带故。<wbr>慎之打成右派后，逢三年大饥荒，将女儿伊白遣散到无锡老家就食，<wbr>李敏记得那时年幼，还与伊白一起玩过。2000年我被点名，<wbr>慎之最后一次来南方，见上大校长钱伟长，夜谈甚洽，<wbr>他们也是无锡同乡，谈到过我处境。这世界就这么小，一前一后，<wbr>相隔四十年，李氏家族相继援我，似乎冥冥中有什么注定？</span></strong></span></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">还有一位更神奇，是当时的工宣队队长蒋师傅。<wbr>我毕业时他去父亲单位外调，<wbr>一看档案竟是失散多年的50年代好友，<wbr>回来后不仅没有把上述材料写进我政审表，<wbr>还将我档案里的这一材料抽出来销毁了，这要冒多大的风险？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">这件事父亲瞒了我多年，我一直蒙在鼓里，背了多年包袱。<wbr>直到五年后，插队结束，招工开始，那个政工干部看过我档案，<wbr>远兜远转，反复盘问一个家族深处的海外关系——<wbr>你有一个奶奶的堂房弟弟在台湾，是否知道？我当然不知道。<wbr>我知道的是自己有政治问题，却压根不问，好像他又不知道？<wbr>回沪后问父亲，他到这时才把谜底说穿。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><blockquote style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px 5px; max-width: 100%; border-left-width: 5px; border-left-style: solid; border-left-color: #963135; color: #3e3e3e; font-weight: 700; font-size: 20px; font-family: \’Microsoft YaHei\’; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><p style="padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 18px; word-wrap: break-word !important;">3.“你那个自由主义，危险哪！”</span></p></blockquote><p style="padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">1970年初中毕业，69届是“一片红”，全部去外地，<wbr>一个不能少。我选择去国家没有分配的兰考，母亲无论如何不同意，<wbr>那地方太苦。是父亲说服母亲，还是让我去“学焦裕禄”吧，<wbr>多吃点苦，也许能成人。临到火车站送别，他自己想想也流泪。<wbr>父亲十来岁从乡下到上海谋生，受够歧视，自学成人，终于站住脚，<wbr>想不到儿子到了这个年龄，竟还是离开上海下乡当农民？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">其实我当时的动机也有两重性，<wbr>既仰慕那里有一个高中生组成的集体户，很正统，好读书，同吃、<wbr>同住、同劳动，远离小市民趣味，那样的集体生活吸引人，<wbr>用今天的话来说，有点“高大上”；<wbr>同时也是为了远离本校本届同龄人，他们都知道我写过反动标语，<wbr>指指戳戳，到哪儿都要背着这个包袱。<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">小市民趣味总是与政治压力交<wbr>织在一起的，一走了之，耳根清净</strong>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">十五年后从北方回上海，不回来想回来，一回来却发现有隔阂。<wbr>语言是相通的，饮食是想念的，连空气之湿润也是倍感亲切的，<wbr>唯有心理不通，如换血型一般难受。隔阂就是十五年前那一步造成，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><wbr>人一生是否有过远行，尤其是从上海这种小市民大城市出走，<wbr>对后半生影响甚巨</strong>。我不能不感谢父亲，<wbr>尽管他没有想到我现在说的这些，但当年他同意我远行，<wbr>关键一步没有拦阻，还助推一把，是他这一生对我最大的帮助。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">农村那几年，父亲就当我还在身边，按我在校时的零用钱标准，<wbr>每月一元，夹在信里寄，居然没有寄丢过一次。<wbr>当时我那个生产队工分值处于历史最低谷，干一天四分钱，<wbr>而且要到年底决算才能到手，父亲每月夹寄这一元解决我大问题：<wbr>盐、邮票、晚上看书用的灯油，就靠这一元钱支撑过来。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">为写这篇回忆，我让妻子找出当年记的一个小账本，<wbr>那时她与我一个集体户。也亏得她记那么仔细，<wbr>今天看看都觉得难以置信，也是以“分”计：油票8分，<wbr>灯油1角2分，盐1角5分，偶有10元以上“大钞”，<wbr>那是临到冬闲回沪，父亲寄来的路费。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">有一笔10元零2角，竟然是我叔叔所寄，<wbr>2角小票是我当时刚进小学的弟弟，说他也参加对我的支援！<wbr>与此同时，父亲还按月给我寄“学习与批判”“朝霞”“<wbr>数理化自学丛书”以及我要的其他书籍，所费不吝。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那时家里的经济状况已经一年比一年紧。<wbr>父亲参加上海市干部慰问团，去江西井冈山慰问那里的知青，<wbr>轮到他“上山下乡”了，抽烟从“大前门”到“飞马”，<wbr>再到粗劣不堪的“阿尔巴尼亚”，一降再降。<wbr>母亲在沪拉扯三个弟妹，节衣缩食，艰难度日。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">父亲、长兄两个顶门柱依靠不上，小妹妹学费不能按时交，<wbr>在学校里受老师的白眼。妹妹后来是当笑话说，为兄者闻之黯然。<wbr>原来在我离家后，父亲一心供我自学，<wbr>竟然连妹妹的学费都不能按时交？这在我们家是从来没有过的。<wbr>身为长子，不能不感到愧疚。前年她女儿出国留学，<wbr>我坚持要赞助学费。两个大人一谦让，小姑娘在一边疑惑起来：“<wbr>大娘舅，你这是何苦呢？”我只能笼而统之说：“我欠你妈妈的，<wbr>你还小，不懂。”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">1972年招工进厂，零用钱不必寄了，<wbr>但父亲还是按月给我寄上海出的书刊杂志，以致我周围的工友、<wbr>干部都羡慕，到时候就找我借阅。后来那位老崔书记出差去上海，<wbr>与父亲谈得来，还成了朋友。<wbr>1978年我开始报考同等学力研究生，<wbr>父亲成了我搜集自学资料的后方，无论要什么书，<wbr>挖空心思也要找来，有求必应。<wbr>有一次在福州路旧书店看到有人要出手文革前本科历史教材，<wbr>是我需要的，他居然跟着这人走，盯着要，一直跟到这人家门口，<wbr>以高于书店收购价买下。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我那几年也背运，三年考四次，每一次都发生事故或故事，<wbr>最后一次愤懑之极，掷笔废卷，不想再考。<wbr>父亲给我写了一个小条屏，让我立在书桌上：“生当作人杰，<wbr>死亦为鬼雄，至今思项羽，不肯过江东。”他激励我再考，<wbr>抓紧时日，连过年也不必回来。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><img src="https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ui=2&ik=9f528017b1&view=fimg&th=14c18d65a716015f&attid=0.1&disp=emb&realattid=ii_14c121a32466ee09&attbid=ANGjdJ_PgLhMqa3Mh0PYvDCUOd5llZN_VLEIFjrm3RU6ZCdCBh62PXv_93VwANEOXesNTPDJiegcBZBpkzNiGn_lUMcGlReeqwV_kYetwUHUMRBHbK9jtjwIkQfEVC4&sz=w2-h2&ats=1426347537420&rm=14c18d65a716015f&zw&atsh=1" alt="内嵌图片 3" width="1" height="1" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" />（描绘恢复高考后青年复习备考的油画《1978年·夏夜》，<wbr>程丛林作）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我是“不过江东”了，但弟妹告诉我，<wbr>那些年父亲每到年三十就不高兴，为一点小茬口就发脾气。<wbr>家人知道为什么，屏息敛气，陪着小心过年。最后一次考上，<wbr>按父亲约定什么都不必说，接到录取通知时，发七字电文即可：“<wbr>捷报归来当纸钱。”他还真拿着那张电报纸，到爷爷遗像前点燃，<wbr>算是还了心愿。直到这时候，我对父亲的“文人字画”“文人情志”<wbr>才有了一点理解。（注7）</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">注7：父亲这种文人性格，后来还做成一件事，值得补注。<wbr>80年代初，两岸民间交往解冻，他去苏州寒山寺游览，<wbr>遇一台湾旅行团，遂有攀谈。父亲说：“我有个舅舅在台湾，<wbr>失散多年，也不知是否还在人世。”</span></strong></span></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">对方问姓甚名谁？父亲说出名字，一台胞惊呼：“哎呀，<wbr>那不是我们街坊杨爸爸吗？天天见的啊。”父亲喜出望外，弯下身，<wbr>即在路边垫着膝盖草书一封，托他们带去。我们笑他一厢情愿，<wbr>那是顺嘴人情，怎么可能带到？但父亲坚信老派人有老派人的诚信，<wbr>寒山寺下膝盖书，必能带到！</span></strong></span></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">还真给他说中了，杨老先生很快回信，父亲给奶奶念信，<wbr>一开头竟是暌隔五十年的乡音称呼。听一声“三姐姐”，<wbr>奶奶跌坐痛哭：“这么多年了，你还活着啊？你是人还是鬼？”<wbr>这才对我“痛说革命家史”，她也“隐瞒”了五十年。此前“<wbr>杨爸爸”一直“潜伏”在父亲和我档案里，鬼影幢幢，害苦两代人，<wbr>就这样突然“还阳”，成活人，可以交往了。</span></strong></span></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; font-size: 14px; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;"><span style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; color: #7f7f7f; word-wrap: break-word !important;">我97年初访台湾，即遵父命去探望。说起我们遭他们的罪，<wbr>他们竟不陌生，也是“痛说革命家史”，然后还总结：“一样的啊，<wbr>我们那时也因为你们不受重用，也是有档案有记录，不敢说，<wbr>不敢说啊。”原来我们也是他们的鬼？两岸一家亲，我们互为鬼！</span></strong></span></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">1985年我研究生毕业回沪，一开始是在军队院校任教。<wbr>那年春节，父亲工作单位突然送来一份拥军优属的蛋糕与春联，<wbr>我开门一愣，一时还适应不了自己身份的变化，待明白，<wbr>转过身拿父亲取笑：“你已到了这把年纪，怎么回过头去成了军属？<wbr>”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">但他比我看重这一身份，80年代军界风气尚好，<wbr>我也认同那一年代，业务努力升职较快，父亲更要我珍惜。<wbr>星期天回家，饭桌上每有不当言论，他把筷子一放，开口就是：“<wbr>你是军人，团级军官了，怎么能这样说！”<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">他这辈子最钦佩彭德怀为民请命，但到晚年开始怀念毛，<wbr>而我始终同情胡耀邦，于是好不容易团聚，又起新的口角。<wbr>他认为我是“知识分子偏见”，<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">我认为他有“斯德哥尔摩综合症”，<wbr>他弄不懂这些洋名词，就说我“忘本”</strong>。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">对他伤害最深的是有一次争辩什么类型的干部好，<wbr>什么类型的干部坏，我脱口而出：三十年来就数宣传干部最坏，<wbr>中国的事情全是他们在帮着撒谎，愚弄百姓！父亲气坏了，“砰”<wbr>地一声，摔门就走。<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">事后懊恼，确实是我“忘”了“本”。忘记父亲本来就是宣传干部，<wbr>芝麻绿豆大的官，搞了一辈子文宣，但如果不是他的文墨气熏染，<wbr>我幼时怎么能从小市民弄堂氛围中脱颖而出？现在披着一身老虎皮，<wbr>还口无遮拦，妄议朝政，那不也是他的“本”，他的“基因”<wbr>在作怪？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">还有一次是看央视国际新闻，非洲某国发生军事政变，<wbr>军人开枪打学生，<wbr>这个国家的新闻发言人却说是学生和民众残害军人，<wbr>并播出一些军人遇害的照片。父亲为之啧啧，说这还像什么话，<wbr>怎么能这样对待军人？他以为我能领情，<wbr>他在维护我军人身份的尊严，不料父子俩又争了起来。</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">从不议论时政的母亲突然开口，抢白父亲：这是屁话！<wbr>当兵的手里有枪，他不开枪，老百姓怎么会围上去打他？<wbr>平时看新闻父亲有文化懂政治，还懂一点国际知识，<wbr>总是他给母亲讲解，这一次母亲突然开口，一语破的，让我称奇。<wbr>看来母亲一辈子对父亲忠心耿耿，却没有受父亲的职业熏染，<wbr>还保留着一个自然人的本性，凭本性判断，<wbr>比父亲的文化更容易接近本相？</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">我转业脱离军界，父亲猜到原因，很伤心，但从未道破。<wbr>我在外面写的那些文章，也不对他说，早年是他担忧我，<wbr>后来是我担忧他，再不想让他担惊受怕。其实他一直在关注，<wbr>背着我把每一篇文章都找来看，越看越担心，却也不点破。<strong style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;">父子俩都<wbr>识字，就在这一紧要处，心知肚明，互不说破。</strong><br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">直到2005年他病重，我要去台湾“中研院”讲学，<wbr>此前行期已定，对方在等，不得已去医院告别。<wbr>他在病榻上支起身子，突然说：“你那个自由主义，危险哪！”<wbr>这就一下子破了题。闻言愕然，不知说什么好。我无言以对，<wbr>只能沉默。母亲此时则站回父亲的立场，<wbr>念叨庞老师五十年前那封信，幽幽地说：“你就不能少说说吗？<wbr>还要放毒啊？”</p><p style="margin-top: 25px; margin-bottom: 25px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; clear: both; min-height: 1em; white-space: pre-wrap; color: #3e3e3e; font-family: \’Helvetica Neue\’, Helvetica, \’Hiragino Sans GB\’, \’Microsoft YaHei\’, ΢ÈíÑźÚ, Arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 24px; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;">那是父亲留给我的最后一句话，他是悬着心走的。说？还是不说？<wbr>这到今天还是个问题。或如母亲言，即使说，也少说？庞老师走了，<wbr>父亲走了，只剩母亲还悬着心，可怜天下父母心！<br style="margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important;" /></p><img src="https://ci3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/GGC7Z5Olo_n_tEFE7Zm8NW1xqo4_UUDQY46ODjEIgbiJMz2mHom34GP1xpyyWo25CqB73lfySiV1BfiWjH5i0IdEPl2LBGwmPu2LvYXFFQ6U1YzZJJsaAB0Fye5duFC8cWUp3F0U-ppzutdwqwv14ZDsXFHkCiaANblwbrgJJEWud5aoq5hdD_CprCLrh9Vr968WoRrzCZqvfpXrdmF5enc=s0-d-e1-ft#http://mmbiz.qpic.cn/mmbiz/E6ME5dOJ0oq6tpVRtVMiarReHWjSyyFUkM3NE7kg7IPvX28YGmVicyYT7VFMvXpaMzoXEANQuvRLAciat3Yiby6NIA/640?tp=webp&wxfrom=5" style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important; width: auto !important; background-color: #ffffff;" alt="" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;" /><br style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; max-width: 100%; word-wrap: break-word !important; background-color: #ffffff;" /><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 14.3999996185303px; background-color: #ffffff;">作者：朱学勤腾讯·大家专栏作者，学者</span><br /> </div> </div>